Only Human

Daniel Tobin’s Story

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So, long story short...

While Daniel Tobin was doin' it with girlfriend

Daniel Tobin made the mistake of

Not checking status of feline before sex

My Advice to You is

If your cat is a neighborhood menace keep it real and check before sex

Here's the whole story

My cat Barnaby likes to "terrorize" the neighborhood. He is an escape artist and will rip through our screened in porch to get free and wreak havok upon the neighbors, their property, and their pets.....especially while my girlfriend Jessica and I are engaged in sweet love. One week prior to incident Barnaby had escaped and bit the neighbor inside her house causing her to wear some lame pity-me arm brace and causing me to owe Orlando animal control $82 for my cats love for hippie neighbor flesh.

Incident One: Doing it. Hear screaming outside. Don't care. Insane psycho screaming persists for 10-15 minutes. Still don't care. Pounding on the front door. OH FUCK, is the cat locked in his room? Byebye sex........ Sure enough the cat got out and took some nice clumps of fur out of the arm brace neighbor's cat.

Incident Two: Two weeks later. Jess and I drive home from dinner, I noticed two neighbors huddled together next door engaged in serious conversation. I think for a few seconds "I hope the beast is in his room". I dismiss the thought. Horizontal fun time! 15 minutes in. KNOCK FUCKING KNOCK.... This time I throw on clothes pissed off knowing that this was the second cat related interruption. I throw open the front door pants unzipped with boxer short boner sticking out. FUCK, an Orlando Policeman is walking back from the sidewalk. WHY THE FUCK WOULD THEY CALL THE COPS ON A CAT? Luckily the cop had the same attitude...... Cop: "Is your cat the one terrorizing the neighborhood?" Me: "I don't think so, he's pretty nice." Cop: "Can you go get it please, its on your neighbors front porch."

I retieve the cat and have him hunched on my shoulder as the neighbors explain how he fought with another cat. The entire time Barnaby was purring and sniffing my hair.

Cop: "Are you sure this is the cat killer? He seems pretty good natured to me."

Me: "yeah, I find it hard to believe he's doing any of this"

Barnaby: "meow, meow"

Cop: "Uh oh, sounds like he's starting to get vicious, I think this is my time to go"

Me: "HAHAHAHHA"

But yeah, when you have a cat inclined to escape and ALLEDGEDLY destroy the universe always check to see if he's in his intended place befor engaging in sweet sweet love.