Only Human

Here's the whole story

Cynical? Maybe. This entire account could be merely a distorted perspective on things, but hear me out? I'll try and make it concise.
So I began to fall in love with my best friend in 8th grade. A girl, like me, but I was straight then. Probably still am. Wouldn't really know given she's the only one I've ever been in love with.
The only one I am in love with.
So yeah, I fell in love with her because she was the quiet type. Insecure, seemingly okay but totally damaged inside. Alcoholic, bulimic, probably abused as a kid, who knows. She told me about these things, but not as a call for attention or anything. Kind of because I forced her to tell me. I really wanted to know. It was probably this attention from her that made me feel like I was someone special. I know I was one of her best friends, but we fought a lot, usually about stupid things.
I may be totally messed up, but those things kind of turn me on. The whole f*cked up nature she had, her low self esteem, lack of confidence...just made her more beautiful than she already was. She seriously is drop dead gorgeous.
Anyways, all these problems she had, they just made me feel trusted, kind of like I was worth something. She made me want to alleviate every sorrow she'd ever felt. Before I knew it, I was head over heels.
Freshman year. YIPPEE!
Confessions. I confessed how I felt. It could have went along so much better, but seeing as I, in desperation, and she, being a bored slag, made out a few days before said confession...well...let's just say I'd been called 'faggot' numerous amounts of times. She's emotionally unstable, and probably didn't take to my feelings too well. A few days later though, things patched up, and we were chill, until a few months later.
I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to kill her, random people. I never would though, hell no. I had a future...right? Every time I tried to talk to her, she'd always avoid the subject of my emotions. I always wanted to hear about hers though. What's the term for this again...co-dependency? Heh. Wow.
So I just couldn't take it anymore.
I'd broken it off, intentionally. I wanted to be happier. Still though, for those two months I managed to last (but not unscathed, ohhh no. I cut myself twice, no idea why. It didn't feel good or anything. Lame.) I could never get her out of my mind. She started dating a new boy, who she's been going out with for half a year now. He's like my male equivalent, only more stupid. Ugh, I hate him so much. I don't care if I'm "jealous", I'd make a better boyfriend than that idiot any day.
Where is this story going, anyone?
So uhh, I completely lost it during my friendship with her. I'd make unnecessary sacrifices just to get her attention. How idiotic of me. I wish so desperately to forget about her, to just leave her, but I can't. I need her, and I want her to be in my life. No matter what she thinks, I know I love her more than her boyfriend. I know I do.
Over the summer, we kind of rekindled the relationship. To a degree. Her boyfriend hates me, and I hate him, and in order to please mister, who she claims is the closest person in her life who's affected her the most, she tells me to go away whenever he's around. I hate it. I hate him. God if I didn't love her so much to realize her happiness is more important, I'd have messed that son of a bitch up.
Now, I dunno if I'm straight, I think I am because girls don't really turn me on. She does though, strangely. I get SO turned on by her. But still, I love her for her beautiful corrupted innocent mind, all those little things she does that are just so damn pretty, her aesthetics, unplanned eloquence, facial expressions...I can't explain...I hope someone, anyone, is reading this somewhere, with something to say...
By the way, this isn't nearly the whole story. Crazy, right.
So yeah, I clearly haven't conveyed any message related to the actual topic of thinking too much, but thinking too much is kind of what led me to this. So I guess it's not really a mistake, because I learned from it, right?
I suppose I'll end this with a quote from a song called "Bowl of Oranges" by Bright Eyes:
"So that's how I learned the lesson,
That everyone's alone,
And your eyes must do some raining,
If you're ever gonna grow."

Look that song up, it makes me pretty happy.
Until she comes along and ruins it.

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