Only Human

Here's the whole story

I met my wife (ex-wife now) back when I was 22 years old. I think this is when I initially became an insomniac.... Everything happened real quick, suddenly. In a span of 3 months we were already married. never really gave each other a chance to get to know one another first, we jumped into marriage. Once that honeymoon phase ended, approximately 3 months later...the fighting started. bad fights. over stupid trivial things. and soon after, 3 years later, we were stuck in our wedded misery. We thought re-newing our vows and doing a big church wedding might fix thingss. It did, temporarily. Kind of like putting a band-aid on a cancerous mole. just keeps getting worst and worst. bleeding. and during that honeymoon - we conceived our daughter, and we became new parents. it was great at first. but soon after, the problems arose again, and this time with a vengeance. the sleeping dragon came out and everything was just worst off then ever. I was very selfish back then, immature, I couldn't understand how to fix things, or that they could even be fixed. She wanted to make me into someone i was not ready to be. and so, it was that we grew apart. one day, I woke up, and just realized I didn't want her, have any kind of desire for her. I wanted to be with other women. more of a temporary solution or escape. I didnt' cheat. could have. but didn't. not in the physical sense at least. I delved myself into online chat rooms and just stayed on that path for as much as I could. Didn't want to do anything family related. Didn't understand the value and importance of that. and when my daughter turned three...on a sunday during the spring. that is when it happened. We had split up for a while..she went with my daughter to her country of dominican republic. I stayed by myself in the apartment. she was gone for 7 months. and i didn't miss her. not one bit. when she came back...she wanted me to hug her and tell her how much i had missed and needed her. but we had grown to far apart to come back. one day while i was ironing my clothes on a sunday during the spring. something just arose in me and I asked her..."are you happy...." she said what do you mean. I said "are you happy in this marriage...yes or no?"...we both looked at one another and said no at the same time. I stopped ironing....and we both sat down..stunned in silence that we both felt the same I guess. not sure what to do at that moment. we both knew we weren't happy. we just weren't prepared what to do next. a few days passed...i went to sleeping on the couch. actually, now that i remember. i always slept on the couch....we hadn't been sexually intimate in over a year at the point.... Then she said, I need you to leave..I need us to be apart so we can see what happens next. she confessed to me that her asking me to leave was her way of making one final attempt at salvaging what remained of our broken marraige. but sometimes...there are certain things in life that are just too broken to fix....when I left our apartment...i began to date alot...often...every day..i let loose and made up for lack of whatever sexual fantasy i had not fulfilled in my marriage...when she asked me to leave...it was so i could learn to be financially responsible. and be a family man..i ofcourse, went the opposite way..and just dated on a daily basis...different women...never really spending more then one or more dates with them..and if I did spend more time...i let them on that it was a relationship while i knew i was still dating other women...i just vered off the road...until i hit rock bottom. in that time...i ignored my daughter..didn't see her...didn't pay my child support duties consistently...went from roommate to roomate..... it was like everything was happening too fast for me...until one day...I lied to the wrong woman...turned out she was a friend of my cousins...i told her i was divorced..big lie..i at that point, 3 months into being with her..had met her family and friends and told them the same lie...actually i made up this lie about who i was and my history....when it came to light that my cousin and her knew each other...and they spoke about me...my cousin told her I was still married and it was only recent that we split up...not 4 years ago as i had stated....anyhow, at that point, i was trying to keep the ties with my exwife somewhat there still...i didn't want to be alone...i never actually was....ever in life... long story short...my soon to be exwife found out about this..this was the last straw..cause at somepoint, she thought we were going to get back together..only to realize I was playing both sides of the fence...seeing her while seeing another woman....and thus....the divorce....it was rock bottom for me cause my daughter didn't want to be with me..that hurt...i felt embarrased infront of my family...i felt embarassed that the girl who i was seeing...her family just thought the worst of me...but i wasn't a bad person...just someone who made selfish, uncaring decisions and didn't consider anyone's feelings but my own...anyhow, i stopped dating for a while at that point..focused on my job....started spending more time with my daughter at that point..going to therapy...for myself and one for my daughter..i felt guilty over the damage I did to her and to my exwife..i still carry that guilt..my daughter is slowly getting over that still...almost 4 years later....but i am learning how to forgive myself for that...someday i hope i will....after being alone for about 8 months..oneday out of the blue, i met this girl. she was great...is great...our first date, i knew she was the one in just how i always remember how she held my hand...it felt differant than how anyone else ever did...i think it was love at first sight...now we are together 2 and a half years...living together and very happy... everything just fits right...whatever demons i had back then are quieted...and past me....my exwife is getting remarried and having another child..i'm happy for her... i tell this story...because i have had to do a lot of self-discovery... i never met my dad until i was 22 years old...my mother was never affectionate with me..I somehow reminded her of my dad and she always felt this anger towards me....so i realized the only example i had of affection and love was from them...I didn't know how to love..and so i ran away from it...i'm in my mid-30s now and funny how when you reach this age..you see things differently....things that mattered don't anymore..and you understand things that should...being a family man, a good father to my daughter, a good partner to my girlfriend and being a good example are important to me now... I guess I had to go through all of the bad to become a good person....i'm not perfect...but i'm on the right path now...and I can sleep better now...

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